Postpartum depression. Is it something people like to talk about? Not really. Is it mentioned that it’s a possibility it can happen? Yes, but they don’t tell you it affects 1 in 5 women.
I remember hearing about it some and thinking that won’t happen to me. I was always under the impression you just missed being pregnant, all those sweet little movements, the connection you had but that’s not all, it encompasses so much more.
Bryant was only a few weeks old, super fussy, Ryan was working and I was home unable to get out of the house and barely walk due to my c-section. I called my mom crying because I just couldn’t do it anymore. She left work to come be with me just for an hour. I thought then is this what postpartum depression is?
I googled my symptoms and came across Baby Blues, the lesser of the two. Essentially, Baby Blues is what any new mom feels in the first weeks as you adjust to a lack of sleep and a new life. I talked to my family about it and the decision was to keep an eye on me.
It was never brought up again because things got better. Bryant started sleeping through the night, we got him on a steady eating schedule, and I went back to work.
Work. I absolutely loved being back at work, I was out of the house and got a break from the baby, it was great. Ryan had Bryant on the days I would work and I would take him on my days off. Then after a few weeks, he would start daycare! This made things soo much easier. But back to work. There were changes going on(lots of them), my schedule wasn’t set(still isn’t) and the ICU I work in is 40 rooms with at least 20 patients on life support at a time. A beast for sure and not for those faint of heart.
So now that I have rambled and feel like I have kind of set you up for these next words, I have postpartum depression. Why or how you ask? Let me tell you in a few short words.
Work exhausts me and I want to cry because I don’t feel like I can keep up with all the changes. I hate work, I don’t care if I’m late and if I get fired, whatever (If you know me, this isn’t normal for me). I’m exhausted when I get home to the point I don’t always want to hold my baby and some nights I don’t. The days I’m off, I barely make it out of bed or if I do, it’s to work on Savvy not to help with Bryant. Ryan has been holding it all together but all I can see is the little things he doesn’t do like putting water in the fridge, cleaning bottles or taking out the trash. I just had 8 days off and accomplished nothing. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore, actually some days are better than others to the point my friends were like are you sure? Today though if you saw me, I finally broke down, hit that wall, red face with swollen eyes, and I couldn’t stop crying.
We have talked to my doctor and we have a plan. Tonight, I feel relieved to finally know what has been going on and to have my friends and family support.
Come join me on this journey.