But you don’t seem like….

I don’t seem like what?  I don’t seem like I have post partum depression because I’m outside surrounded by my friends with a drink in my hand?  Does that just scream happy person to you?

To the person that sees me as this happy bubbly person, I am, well that’s who I normally am.  After my child was born, my hormones and chemicals in my body are completely out of whack.  You see me smiling, laughing, having a drink but those people I’m with have seen me completely broken, have received phone calls or texts asking for someone to come sit with me or just talk me through the anxiety attack or horrible thoughts.  I am great at putting on a face because I don’t even recognize myself sometimes and I want people around me to think I’m okay. Honestly though, I just want to be me again.

I do know you’re not the only one that thinks, are we sure she has PPD?!  I’ve thought it myself and I have seen how those close to me react sometimes,  maybe this is all in her head.  It really is all in my head but I can’t control it and it scares the crap out of me.  More days than not, I am the happy Amy that everyone knows, life is great and I think to myself the medicine is working and I will soon be through this phase in my life.  Then one little thing goes wrong and I get anxious, brain running a million miles a minute, who I am going to make mad this time or disappoint, should I even be here anymore?  Yeah, you read that write, I’ve thought it and it scares me because THAT IS NOT ME.  I mean I LOVE life and my life and everyone in it, one little thing shouldn’t destroy me this much.

One little thing did get me last night and that is why I am writing today.  I spent most of my night laying around thinking, are they right?  Do I really have PPD?  Am I just making it worse because I think I have it? So thank you person, I was up half the night questioning it because you did.

So the next time you feel it’s okay to question if someone really has a mental illness, think again.  You just may trigger something that you know nothing about.

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